IF

A teacher once stood in class and told his students with a firm and serious tone: I am throwing a party tonight, but tomorrow you might have an exam and you might not. Those of you who show up at the party tonight will fail the exam, if it takes place and those who don't will pass, again if it takes place. Remember there might be an exam and there might just be another normal day. It's your choice.
Next morning, all students showed up in class; those who were at the party were teasing the rest about how fun the party was, and those who weren't were saying: we will see who will laugh last. Some of those who studied all night were arguing that there would certainly be an exam for there is no meaning to the dilemma otherwise. Some of those who partied all  night argued that there certainly won't be an exam for why would the teacher throw the party himself. Some were in doubt, among them were those who went to the party with a high sense of guilt and those who missed it but wished they were there. The students argued for hours, they started fighting, blood was spilled.

The teacher never showed up.

Even if paradise and hell were a sure thing, I still wouldn't give up the sinful joys of life if only as a mere act of rebellion. Why would I want to spend the rest of my eternity with such a manipulative super being?

Imagine this alternate ending: Next morning, the teacher shows up. Silence. The teacher spoke: those who attended the party may leave the room. The rest of you here is your exam: Describe last night's party.

Prayers

Prayers are a time investment too, like almost everything in life, but this is either the worst or the best investment ever. This is more akin to gambling. My father would disagree. He would say this is the safest investment because there is nothing to lose but a whole lot to win if it turns out someone up there was counting. He would say there is no time to lose either, for you can always pray in your heart and that prayers are soothing, it's a win win situation. My father who I am sure will end up in paradise, if he had a winning bet, is my free ticket to paradise too, for it wouldn't be a paradise for him if he knew I am burning in hell. Right dad?

No I am not worried.

When I was a kid, I used to ask my father: what if, what if, just what if, there is no God. Compared to my questions that started with the "what if" back then, this was probably the easiest, though before I finished the first "what if", he would have said "here we go again". He said: I would then just wish there was a God. He was probably looking for a certain justice up there that he doesn't see around him down here. I am not even sure, that deep down, my father is a believer, I think he just wishes there would be some form of justice somewhere.

Another time, I asked him, what if God was evil? He said: you know what... I don't care if God was a TV (he was actually staring at the TV) then he moved his eyes, or a fridge. I think whatever he is, how could he have created such an annoying girl! Maybe he didn't say that, but, I imagine he thought of it. He must have borrowed something from Imam Ali that got me thinking for a while.

One day, I was maybe 10, I asked the nun at school: Why did God create us? She said: so that we worship him. I said something like: why does he need people to worship him, he has such a low self esteem! She said: there is hell for people like you, and kicked me out of class.

I went home and I said: dad, what if, what if... the nun was right...

Just wondering...

I see why men fast: they get each between 70 and 100 women, hour al -ayn, virgins, in Paradise. But what do women, straight women, get? (Homosexuals go straight to hell) I assume they get to drink from the rivers of wine. Fair enough. Or do they all go to hell too? So women fast, and go to Paradise to get drunk and watch an orgy of drunk men?  I don't want to imagine how paradise toilets smell like. Oh, maybe they get to clean the toilets! Such a promising afterlife, what better paradise can there be after hell of a life on earth!

Explain this to me

If you are fasting, what's so weird about you feeling hungry?

Post-Modern God

The idea of God, as created by whoever prehistoric man who thought about it first, needs to be recreated to make sense to the post-modern man. Tell us for example that on judgment day, he will distribute iPads and show us our life on Youtube or that in paradise we will have non stop high speed free Wifi and that at least we will have the choice between Gin, Vodka, Arak, Whiskey, or Beer. It is highly possible after all that some Irish, Scottish, or Russian people, will also end up up there.

Not even in your dreams

This is one of the most hilarious stories I heard recently: a single guy who recently turned religious and stopped having sex told that his biggest frustration now is that in his dreams a sexy woman would appear and ask him for sex and he would say: sorry ma'am but I can't do that anymore! then he wakes up and starts banging his head against the pillow shouting at himself: it is okay in the dream! it is okay in the dream!

Marx

I always thought that when Karl Marx said religion is the opium of the people, he meant it metaphorically until I entered a church the other day and realized that it is an equally tripping experience.

Das experiment

So I watched this movie "The Experiment", again, which is the Hollywood version of the German film "Das experiment", which I never saw but which is supposed to be better, not only because it is the original one and not American, but I was also told by trusted friends that it is, and I believe them and when I say so, you have got to believe me although maybe you already have, before I tried to convince you. In any case, the movie I saw, that is the Hollywood version, is not bad, and I recommend it even if you find the original "Das experiment", because that's the one I am about to talk about. The movie touches on the themes of human nature and God, justice and violence, power and abuse of power, and peace and war. I combine the themes in such a way so that you get the point, but in life, and in the movie, the themes are intertwined in a more complex way; so it can be about violence and God, human nature and power, justice and war. You get the point? how about justice and God, violence and human nature, peace and power? I hope now you do. That's the best way I can explain it, because otherwise you would think I am insulting your intelligence. Induction can be a great exercise. Now if you want to know what the movie is about you can go to IMDB and if you are looking for a review, this is not the site for you. But you've got to watch the movie and learn what you have always known. Oh, and it's a prison movie, if you know what I mean. I am reading this book now "the kindly ones"* by Jonathan Littell, I am still at the beginning (and don't expect from me any commentary about it anytime soon, it's a 1000 pages!), but I remember those words from the book after watching the movie: "those who kill are humans, just like those who are killed, that's what's terrible. You can never say: I shall never kill, that's impossible, the most you can say is: I hope I shall never kill, I too hoped so", and this line from the same book: "the real danger for mankind is me, is you. And if you are not convinced of this, don't bother to read any further. You will understand nothing and you will get angry, with little profit for you or for me." I added this last quote to tell you that it goes the same for the movie. It's up to you. One more thing kept whirling in my head after the credits scrolled up, that line in the movie when someone asks: "do you still think we are not like monkeys" (not the exact words I suppose) and the other guy answers: "Yes, I still do. At least, we do something about it!"... Well, I am not sure!

*English Translation. The original French title is Les Bienveillantes.

Meet Funny Ralph

Ralph made a funny comment the other day about one of my posts: The smartest among the religious people, he said, are those who convert. "Islam is bullshit, they would say, they want us to believe that God talked to Mohamad in those revelations, that can't be true!." But it is very believable that a woman got pregnant from the holy spirit and gave birth to the son of God who also happens to be God himself and who rose from the dead to bring salvation to humanity. That, I can buy. End of quote.

Byzantine debate

How boring it is to discuss existential questions with someone who believes has all the answers. An old friend paid us a visit yesterday, and I ended up telling him that those questions do not disturb me in the least, on the contrary they are a source of joy for me. I told him that those are questions to be asked not answered and that I am not in the least interested in finding answers because all answers he might have started from asking the wrong questions in the first place. Of course, he could not believe why I would argue with him if he could put me at peace only if I had an open heart and accepted the ultimate truth he "discovered". Yes, discovered, because this guy witnessed an immense metamorphosis that in itself is much more worth looking into than finding how the universe came to be. He was a normal guy, let's say, of course in his own understanding he was bad, immoral, and evil because he used to tease people (imagine how wicked!) drink (alcohol), have extramarital sex, and cheat on girls. The metamorphosis started with him quitting smoking and alcohol, then fasting, then going to the mosque, praying five times a day, and then as I discovered yesterday when I opened the door, not shaking women's hands. He put his hand on his chest and looked at me with a huge smile of shame mixed with all the complexity in the world. Later on, he asked me if that was insulting, I said no, and of course I lied. I also learned that he also tried to grow a Salafi beard but his beard failed him. He could not believe how I could go on with my life, a meaningful one, without having answers to all those big questions, that when I told him that questions matter much more to me than (ready-made) answers, he said that my life is absurd and hence why should I be living? He even seriously said that humans are created to worship God. That brought back an old memory of a nun whom I asked once at school "why did God create us" (the Why question) "was he bored?", and she said "so that we worship him". "Why, I said, does he suffer from any kind of inferiority complex?". I wished then if she had said" yes, he was bored"; that would have at least enriched my creative thinking. Now that guy, said that life is created unfair on purpose so that fairness is restored on the last day!! I did recommend few books but honestly I shouldn't have because I truly believe that some people need to be left at peace. The conversation was triggered by him not shaking my hand (I had planned to kiss him on the cheek). He was interested when I recounted the anecdote of the cat and the man in the room and the ball coming inside from the window (the cat would follow the ball and the man, unlike the cat, would go look where it comes from): the cause effect and the mind limitation theory. But all he could conclude was that he was no cat. It was very peculiar to remark that in such useless debates, it is the non-believer who sounds to be on the defence only because you wouldn't want to have such a debate if it includes right and wrong answers. If your answers are smart enough to be in the form of questions, you are beaten from the start. That's why if Imam Ali was right at any point, it was when he said that famous phrase "never had I debated with an ignorant but been beaten but him". I love those debates to be honest, but I truly wished yesterday if the guy sitting in front of me was ِ Al Ghazali or St. Augustine, or even Mohamad Hussein Fadlallah.

Our little sunday prayers and my grandma

Does watching the Christian sermon on LBC count as having attended the Sunday prayers? Is there any "fatwa" in this regard? In case it does count which I assume why it is broadcast, among other reasons of course, then the camera should stop moving around among people because that is distracting. When I was a kid I found a qoran among my father's books. This discovery was the source of fun for my sisters and cousins and I for a whole month when we used to take turns in imitating the sheikh while reading from the book. The verse of "al waswas al khannas" of which we understood not one word, was our favorite. The ceremony used to drive my grandmother mad and she would shout at us saying that this is blasphemy and that we should instead hold a christian sermon. That added additional fun because we started simulating the church prayers and my grandma would seriously start standing up and sitting back, making the cross sign, and lipsing the name of my dead grandpa. We made sure to give her a piece of bread in water at the end which she swallows piously. My grandma didn't watch LBC and I believe that our little game had no political intentions and had, much more than LBC ever would, put my grandma at peace.

Halal and Haram

A female friend of mine who got married recently told me that the first time she had sex with her husband after marriage (first time after marriage that is), she had a feeling that she couldn't explain but that is close to guilt; she felt as if she was doing something wrong. "I am used to making love to you in haram," she told him "that having sex in Halal feels weird."

Prayer

On a prayer book, where believers can write down prayers and personal wishes, available at the entrance of a church somewhere in this world, on one of the pages is written "Dear God, may you protect my mind from believing in your nonsense."

Mystic Eye

180$ to explore the realms of Life! You leave and you have learned a valuable lesson: Exploring the realms of life was the only thing in life that was given to me free of charge but I paid for it.

Oh... Jesus!

Thinking retroactively now that I saw how "virgin Mary" unified the Lebanese Christians and Muslims over one holiday, that of the 25th of March, to mark the day when the "virgin" got pregnant, I guess that Muslims should also from now on consider celebrating Christmas* too as a Muslim holiday. I mean they too agree that Mary got pregnant on the 25th of March, count 9 months, she would be due (according to very primitive calculations by the church) on the 25th of December. Right? and now again we have more Muslim Holidays than Christian holidays. Where is the balance? You promised us not to upset the balance. In the name of Lebanese Christians, I ask for one more Christian holiday otherwise I will be extremely frustrated.

* Some Christians believe that promoting the "X-mas" spelling of the word "Christmas" is part of a Jewish propaganda to make the occasion sound like the birth of an anonymous X). I won't fall for that and hence I use the word correctly and I insist on having one more holiday before the end of this year.

P.S. According to the church calculations (or miscalculations), Jesus was born on the first day of the 10th pregnancy month which equals 42 weeks of pregnancy! that's the limit of a normal pregnancy. But when you believe how he was conceived you would definitely not question the pregnancy period or for how long before the Lady had missed her period (the conception date is the date of sex and not that of learning about it). According to the religious version of the story, Angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said "you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus". Notice the tense of the verb "will". He did not specify when the conception will take place however the church assumed that the conception took place on that same day and very smartly counted 9 months to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
No seriously. The church decided to mark the birth of Jesus on 25 December, which pagans claim was the day on which the sun god was born. The 9-month counting was in reverse!

God's sense of humour

Is God playing the weather game again? Is he trying to look busy adjusting the clouds, testing the wind, and timing rainfalls? Enhance weather forecast accuracy, I have the right not to be part of this game. God and I have a very different sense of humour. I have been wearing woolen sweaters in the morning for the past three days only to find it shining and hot as hell in the afternoon. That's not funny!

Freedom to mock religion should be a basic right

Today I commented when learning about the approaching Easter holidays that I am glad that Jesus was crucified on a Friday. As a joke? That we will have a long weekend extending from Thursday night till Monday night because of that? Imagine if he were crucified on a Tuesday? Nobody laughed. Don't be atheists but at least have some sense of humour. Freedom to mock religion should be a basic right and not laughing at a funny joke is a form of persecution.

Nun or Prostitute.

In the context of joking and playing games, someone once asked me if you had no choice but to be either a prostitute or a nun which one would you choose? I thought about it and found the question to be very philosophical, existential even. After my long struggle with existential questions in my early adolescence I somehow stopped caring much for answers. I found that questions can be much more informative most of the time. But for this question, I have a clear cut answer. Not a nun.

Learn from them... and if you dont, at least you will laugh

I love listening to religious channels on the Radio, the best entertainment you will ever get. I laugh nonstop. Priests and Sheikhs are the most hilarious people when they are serious. I just remembered that now when I turned to a religious channel on TV for less than 10 seconds and laughed for the first time today. In 10 seconds I heard a hilarious joke; a sheikh saying that "plays are forbidden in Islam because they entail acting and that some leading religious scholars had a fatwa saying that acting means lying because the actor is playing the role of someone he is not and hence he is lying on the public and lying is a vice." What I love most about those fatwas is that they use logic and come out with the most brilliant conclusions. Genius.